you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
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I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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