the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
