Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
