went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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