I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
