Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
