i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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