I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
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its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
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I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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