This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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