you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
