I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
