drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
