I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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