she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
