I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
