I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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