how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm bleeding and have questions
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
