Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
