I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
