like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
