and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
