I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
