I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
