every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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