I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
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Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize