You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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