At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
