First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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