you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
