my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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