Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The beer is more important than you right now.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
