The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
oh god was she eating orange peels again
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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