im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
