i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
