i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
