if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Too much gin, very little bucket
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
