i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
