you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Mom said you looked used
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So much Jack, so little girl.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
