i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
