I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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