Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Please don't give away my fajitas
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