my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
