Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My vagina just recognized that song.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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