I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Someone signed my nipple.
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