I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I think I sprained my soul last night
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high