I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
