you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?