he was CRYING into my vagina
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure