i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
