guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
