You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
