hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
