its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
