Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
