If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
