the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
