I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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