I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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