I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize